Updated: Aug 10, 2020
I stared in the mirror but did not recognize the girl staring back at me.
She was not me.
Well she was...
She used to be...
But I was no longer her...
I picked up the scissors and began clipping away at the pieces that no longer belonged.
I still didn't recognize her.
Changed so much.
She is not a changed being- but a new being.
WHO AM I... Now?
A simple question but very complex at the same time... I’ve been trying to figure out who I am now... Now that my world flipped upside down... I really thought I knew who I was before...
Before I lost the biggest part of me. Before I joined this club. Before I died inside.
Now I am a different person... missing parts of who I was...
I search in the mirror for any resemblance of the person I’d grown to love. I miss her. She shows me glimpses of herself but overall it’s hard to recognize the person staring back at me...
Who am I... now?
I lost so much of myself when the emptiness engulfed me...but I have been slowly starting to realize how this pain has propelled me forward into a more purposeful me.
Who am I...Now?
It's difficult to not only find who I am, but to accept this imposter who has invaded my home and taken over my mind. Everything changed so suddenly.
In the blink of any eye my world was upended. Devastated. Demolished.
But then I realized that "all is not lost as long as love still lives."
Love still lives.
A physical shell has left but "love is something that no casket or grave can hold."
The love still lives in us. Love and Light. Our light. Their light.
I kept saying my life was over. My light was gone. But it wasn't gone- It was flickering, and no matter how much I wanted to give up. I couldn't.
I had to keep going. I was the keeper of the flame. And if I stopped...
The light would extinguish.
I couldn't give up.
I made the choice to keep going. To try to heal. Over...and over...and over again. This scab will never fully heal. It is a constant process of healing then healing some more. I will never fully return to my former self. Like a caterpillar who has emerged from the cocoon. I can't go back to who I was. I begged to. My old self is no more- but she didn't die. I know it felt like it.
She was dying...and yes a part of her died.
But a part of her lived. The part that holds the light lived.
Even if my child had survived I don't think I could have ever been her again.
Sometimes I wonder who's the imposter...the new me...or the old me.
I feel like I now see in code. Everything is moving in slow motion around me like I'm Neo on The Matrix. I think back to who she was and wonder if she ever really existed. Could someone so naive actually have been me?
Everyday I am taking time to talk to my new friend. The one who looks like me and talks like me. I spend time getting to know her and digging deep to find her purpose. She told me the key to keeping the light lit is to live with purpose. Everyday.
I am reconnecting with myself! And with my purpose it takes a lot of time deepening my connection with God... a lot of self reflection... and a lot of prayer.
I am me...but different
I am evolved...and enlightened
I understand life in a whole new light
I understand suffering and pain
I am a mother who knows great love
I am awake
I am a child of God
I am a giver, a servant, a helper
The dream of this world no longer has me in a trance
I see people as they are
I see through the lies
I am no longer afraid
I am free