Grieving hearts are broken. Even when they heal they will never truly be the same. Yet and still we must make the active decision to heal. Healing is a choice. It is not easy and it's not even permanent. It is a daily process that takes work every single day- for the rest of our lives.
People look at me and assume that I'm better. They think that because I can smile again and hold conversations again that I am restored to my former self. But I will never be that person again. She died. We had one funeral but two lives ended. I am a different version of her.
I have found out the painful truth about life and can never unsee what I have been exposed to. I have seen the monster and he continually torments me day after day popping into my head unannounced and uninvited. The monster is the reality that suffering exists and bad things happen to good people and worst of all...that children die with no warning. Life is crazy like that.
We have lived in this fairy tale for so long teaching us that if we do A then B will follow and that as long as we are careful and avoid D then we will never have to deal with E. Well that's a lie! You can be careful all you want- but we are not in control of the calamities in life. We are not in control of life and death. But we are in control of what we do with the time that we have. We are in control of the impact we have on others. We are in control of the Legacy we leave.
As grieving parents we have a choice to make....do I keep asking questions that I am not getting any answers to? Why me? Why him? Why us? What could I have done different? If I had...? Should I have...? What if...?
Or I can keep protesting and refusing to accept this new reality. I can stay in bed and refuse to live this new life, waste the time I have left with my living son, and await my chance to reunite with my dearly departed. Or... I can live my life in honor of my son, keep him alive through doing good in his name, helping others in his name. I know that I tried to be a great mother and that if it were up to me he would still be alive. But it wasn't up to me. I did the best I could with the information that I had. I am not God. My child was a gift from God- a treasure that He permitted me to have. I cannot be upset with God for giving me the best gift in life for a set period of time. It could have always been worse. He could have lived a shorter life. He could have never said the words "I love you." He could have never achieved any of his dreams. He lived! He lived a beautiful life- short it may seem. But beautiful all the same! And length of life does not determine impact. A person's legacy is measured by lives touched not by years lived.
I believe my son is at peace and my desire is to ensure that I too will one day be at peace, reunited with him. I am not in control of the when but I am in control of the now- of doing everything I can to leave a legacy for the both of us. The interesting thing is this...the more good I do in Damani's name the more I feel his presence...the more it feels like he's still here. A person who leaves a legacy never truly dies. I will use every one of the days that I have left on this earth to make my son's name echo in eternity. #DoItForDamani
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