I know I lashed out at you and yes I know you deserved better- but so did I. I deserved the truth not the fairy tale that you told me. You made me feel special like all the pain in life was behind me and that there would only be bright days ahead. You taught me so much about love- actually you were my first love. You Put a smile on my face and taught me to stand tall. You looked me deep in my eyes and you told me that as long as I worked hard, I would always get what I worked for…but that was not the truth. And at first, I thought you purposely misled me but then I came to realize that you were just as naive as me. You said that if everyone followed the rules that the game would always be fair! Well THIS is not fair! I learned the hard way that sometimes even the referees can’t "make it right".
I’m sorry for giving you the cold shoulder but I was done with you. I didn’t blame you- I really just fell out of love with you. I never wanted to talk to you or have to deal with you again. I was bitter- bitter because I spent so much time with you… and my son did too. All those late nights and early mornings were supposed to payoff.
Then without warning he was gone.
His future was no more- all we had left was memories and plans. Memories of what was and plans of what would be. But now the would be’s will never be. So I hated anything that took a single second away from us spending more time together. I shut you out and changed all the locks. But then my other son snuck you in the back door. When I found out, I let you stay to keep him company because I knew he was longing for normalcy in a world that was anything but normal. I still didn’t like it and I definitely didn’t like you, but I tolerated it. I’d indulge you with conversation and cordial interactions. But I was counting down the days until your time with us would be finished. But little by little you grew on me. I saw the way you could make my son smile when my every attempt was fruitless. I loved seeing him smile even if it wasn’t because of me. He had such a beautiful smile that ran away when his brother passed and seeing his smile return was the only hope I was clinging to in this cruel world. You did that for us. God allowed you to bring joy back into his life. It reminds me of how you did that for me in my teenage years. You taught me about love.
Our love hate relationship is complicated but necessary. I realize that my bitterness toward you is misplaced frustration and that you bring so much good into so many lives and you have a special way of healing broken hearts. I still do love you but it will never be the same. My broken heart is clinging to the hope that it will mend, but I have already been exposed to the truth about love and life and I can never unlearn what I now know. That the game isn’t always fair. And that love doesn’t always feel warm and tingly. Sometimes it hurts and the pain is enough to make you want to give up on it all. But if I learned anything from you it’s that giving up is never an option…and that pushing through is never easy but its worth it... and deep down I will always love you.