We are still mothers- just walking in heavier shoes. With each step we honor our child, honor their purpose, and honor our journey.
I walked tirelessly, searching for understanding. I walked and walked until I got lightheaded and my knees began to buckle. I heard a voice in my head say "understanding doesn't necessarily bring peace...and true peace is found within pain." I stopped hoping for understanding and began looking for signs that I was on the right path to purpose. A new and evolved purpose that can only be found past the point of no return... The point where I have lost too much to not make it mean something.
I walked through the cemetery wondering how many people have had to walk in these shoes. These shoes that were heavy and hurt with every belabored step. How many mothers had blister covered feet from this tumultuous journey through loss and love? I wondered how many mothers were acquainted with the dull longing in her soul that never dissipates. Mothers who can't cry when she needs to and can't stop crying once she starts. Mothers who are so tired but can't seem to sleep at night.
I walked around the cemetery looking at dates on headstones getting emotional as I saw how little time was represented by each dash. I imagined who they were and what dreams they left behind for their loved ones to embrace and fulfill. Had their mothers taken on their dreams as her own with a life mission to keep her baby's legacy alive? I wondered how their mothers were doing. Was she able to sleep through the night? Was she blaming herself for not being able to save her precious child? And how many times had she tried to bargain with God to wake up from this dream, learn the lesson that it taught, and have life restored? Had she been able to find her purpose again?
I wept for her. I wept for the mothers who have been visiting this cemetery more years than they got to have their child here on earth. I wept for the mothers who had been searching for happiness after loss for years, only to find that happiness is deceiving...well actually smiles are. Smiles are often mistaken for happiness. I wondered what Mona Lisa had lost...and if she had to smile through this kind of pain while society celebrated around her.
"Happy Mother's Day!" Happy? Happy isn't really a goal of mine currently. I desperately desire peace daily. I need it. I search for it in the quietest of moments and in the darkest of times. Will I ever truly be happy again? I am not sure. I feel happiness on some level, in some moments...but its not the "happiness" I knew before...it is something different.