1 Day At A Time

1 day at a time. Easy for you to say when you are greeted by the beauty of the sun each morning. For me, the sun is a seething reminder of the missing pieces of my life and it forces my eyes to open though I'd prefer they stay closed. For some, 1 day at a time is a simplified way of getting through life making it easier as you look forward to tucking all your children in safely at night. For me, 1 day at a time is an endless day of watching each grain of sand descend in slow motion through the hour glass. 1 day at a time is a rehearsed soliloquy. A pre-programmed mantra meant to keep me focused on the present. For you, the present is a gift. For me, the present is filled with the unfathomable absence of my child.

Take it one step at a time? Easy for you to say when your path is paved. For me, every step I take is rocky and painful- as I take steps on rocks that are pointy and piercing my skin. I'm weighed down by the weight of grief. And some days its just too heavy to carry. I'm following this path, trying not to look back even though everything I wanted was in my past and now my future holds uncertainty.

1 breath at a time. It sounds nice and positive like I'm making progress but I look up and can't believe I'm still repeating this dismal phrase. This lie! It is not 1 day a t a time... it is 1 step at a time...1 moment at a time... 1 breath at a time...and I can't breathe. My heart hurts...and I just wish it would stop...

Some days my heart hurts so much that I think it will stop...but it never does. When COVID-19 first hit, I thought to myself maybe this was my time and God would have mercy on me and let me go be with my son. Then I got sick and got better and was still stuck here. Really?! 56,000 deaths from COVID-19 and I'm still here? I wish I could just wake up from this nightmare I have been forced to live.

Yesterday 1 day at a time was a liberating it is torture. Grief is crazy like that- the moment to moment emotional embodiment of polar opposites. I am so tired of giving myself pep talks just to get out of bed. I tell myself "be intentional" and "work on healing." I am so tired of how much effort and intention I must put into making it through a single day! 1 day should not be this hard! 1 day should not be so long! I go 1 day without intentional effort and I'm paralyzed. In the world of grieving, 1 day can be gentle or 1 day can feel like you're experiencing de